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After a heated row involving airborne asses at the Brits with Boneo-o of U-12, we needed to prove we were still cool, so we sat in the motherfucking fridge.
Top - Dom Christ
Bottom - Jacne Bell
Cabbage Fuck is Dom Smith and Jonny Bell.
The legacy of shitpoop starts on a chilly drunky night whence and where Dom suggests the name Cabbage Fuck after much jamming. A law is written that the name Cabbage Fuck cannot be adjusted when sober.
Since then we have been rockin' harder than Rolf's cock at a childrens birthday party. In fact the sound of Cabbage Fuck has often been confused with the sound of a hundred distorted screaming children, much like Rolf's wills. The only audible difference is, we are much more immature than a hundred screaming children.
Here is an invite.
Il y a un Lapin dans mon Pantalon - We actually had a video for this one. Universal Records called us up, and said they wanted to realease a music video and ten albums. I said; 'why of course, just pass us the paperwork!' But after I had signed it, I realised I had been tricked- for I had just signed over the rights to my dear bottom, and all that it held on that day.
Aunt Bessie -
This one is about the heartwarming subject of your dear old aunties bottom. Aunt Bessie (maker of microwave puddings) just loves to be filled with creamy delights, especially in the rear. Wont you join us on this most momentus occasion of making a sausage filled bum?
REMEMBER, YOU'RE A WOMBLE!
Famously, I - Jonathan Bell, had to suck Mike Batts' dingalingling to aqquire the copyright for this song. I gave the each of the wombles a tug afterward, for good measure. I spent the longest tugging on Uncle Bulgaria's wills. He came good and hard in my eye. I still struggle to see to this day. This is why you often see me walk into things. That randy old bastard still has it, sometimes you see him trying to mount she-dogs on wimbledon grasses, or are they the tennis players? I can't tell- my eye is blurred...
Cuddling my Chainsaw -
This one calls upon the elegant pasttimes one remembers from hims years as a cerial killer. The moral of the song is, don't have morals. Kill everybody and everything, especially if it is a minority, or a disabled, an endangered, or a religions.
Deep Space Cabbage Fuck -
The gripping story of a cabbage as he looses his virginity! So eager to release his melty melty jizz jizz is he that his balls take a trip through the shades of blue, before the light becomes of us and all is well, if a little salty tasting in the mouth.
Sodomy at the Jubilee -
This one is all about Queen Elizibeth, and how me and her had it good at the jubilee. We had it so good that I creamed all over the royal coffee-cake. All the other royals were so coked-up they didn't realise. Her son Prince William tried to kiss me, I wasn't introduced properly, and so spent the whole of that night thinking he was Prince (the guitarist.) Later realising my error, I sucessfully filed claim for rape.
Resort to Revolution -
Are you unhappy? Would your life be easier if you had more money? Sometimes do you feel sad or angry? Do you feel as if you haven't the same opportunities as say, Richard Branson? The solution is, to do a vomit on the pope. Why not get out your wanksickle and have a creamy in his face? I did.
I Wanna FUCK Myself.
The late GG Allin, (by twenty minutes or so- I think he missed the bus) was a famous campaigner for the equal rights of woman and animals. He erected a statue built from his own skin dedicated to Lord Choh-Chester (A rat who was killed by lord Edrinson in the second world war for unclear neuclear reasons.) GG Allin loved nothing more than expressing his love for everyone, and telling people 'Don't worry friends! Everything will be alright!' Naturally I disagreed, and took it upon myself to ruin his legacy of love with this cover. GG cried over the phone to me, because he felt it was insensitive. I laughed.
BUT THEN!.......
Cabbage Fuck took a turn for the radio friendly audience....
<3
With........
Flowers, Camper Vans, and Peace.
FLOWERS CAMPERVANS AND PEACE, a whiring wind that took a turn for fame and sucess, when Steve Erwin decided he wanted to tour with us. Steve would viciously rape crocodiles for two hours straight, followed by the dynamic duo, spreading messages of love and being lovely. Many of the people we played to were odd looking and had large semenic stains on their pantalons, oweing to Steve's earlier performance.
Hippie power coursed through our veins, and eventually we took issue when Steve was being ill mannered to the croc, who although he called his 'mate,' he seemed to treat very violently, especially during the second part of his act, when he would engage penis to butthole without even a sputter of saliva.
We thought animal welfare should be represented, and so we chained our own wills to the crocodiles butt. Unortunately, they were not big enough and slipped through the cuffs with ease. I slipped from the lubricated crocodile and over the front of the stage. Unfortunately I was dead and never recovered. Flowers Campervans, and Peace released a single album with hand-drawn artwork. We sold a couple for fifty pence each, and lost the rest of them. (No shit- we even started a second album, but the songs are on Dom's old laptop and it takes forever to switch on.)
UNTO......... The Brown Tapes!
Three songs exist, only one I can dig out, in this EP record. As you can guess- they were all about shit, shitting, and getting shit on yourself. Lots of bands sing about girlfriends, wealth, and class. Having a shit in the morning is more important to me than all of those things. If I could recover all of these songs, I fear I would become too famous and I would have to shoot my face off like Kurt Cobain.
Garbage Sailors of Mercy - Fuck Everything.
To get into the sort of mentality one needs to produce kick ass music, one had to murder several cats beforehand. This was the result. My head was full of decomposing animals and naughty things, like not washing up my breakfast bowl, and swearing under your breath when you see polices.
There wasn't Dom in this one, just Jonthan, thats why it doesn;t sound like music - I (jonathan) actually just make Dom play the instruments and then take credit for things he has done- it's more badass that way, and I can spend more time wanking over old woman in stair-lift advertisements than doing boring old composing.
Cabbage Fuck played at Domfest 2015, complete with our resident stand-in bassist Damian John. We commence at 36:37.
We are joined onstage by Chris Smith.
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